Prevention for mental health from childhood: communication

Communication is key for the good functioning of a work team, in companies, in the family, for mental health in general and in a special way for children. The idea for this article was given to me by many parents, first for signing up for the courses I give on this subject and mainly for the answers you have been giving me during these last years, to the brief anonymous questionnaire that I have you fill in order to improve my work. I thank you very much for your collaboration and I “take advantage of it” to help many more families.

1 Importance of communication in the family
2. How to improve the communicative environment
3. We focus on the SENDER
4. What to do when we are all together

1 Importance of communication in the family

Communication is the process by which information is transmitted and received.

It has been proven that conversation is one of the most important human mechanisms for personal satisfaction. Hence, the so-called “unwanted loneliness” is one of the greatest enemies of emotional and even physical well-being.

A Spanish philologist, Estrella Montoliu, talks a lot about conversation and says: “our life is stitched by conversations”. To talk about communication is to talk about relationships, affections, opinions, emotions, ideas…: it is an all-encompassing mesh. By communicating, we share experiences, express needs, shape thoughts, educate, sell… and we express our love…

We all know the importance of a word and a gesture, because with them, we build or destroy.

It is curious that, when we go to a visitation or a funeral to accompany a friend or relative who has someone close to him/her passed away; what do we hear?: “I did not say…”, “he told me”, “we did not finish talking about it….” And I always ask myself: Do I have to wait until my loved ones are very ill to talk to them? To tell them how important they are to me, the help they give me only with their presence, with their more or less evident affection…..

This reflection is perfectly described in the novel “I called him a tie”, I quote a paragraph: “If I had done. If he had said. Nothing causes greater dismay than the pluperfect subjunctive. The possibilities it implies cannot be fulfilled and in spite of that, or precisely because of that, they determine what happened in reality” (CAP 69 “I called him a tie” Milena Michiko Flasar). I try not to use that verb tense since I read it.

2. How to improve the communicative environment

In these articles about mental health in childhood, we want to give you hints to improve the communicative environment in your family, because communication strengthens the connection and it has been proven how beneficial it is to feel connected!

Often we do not have good communication because there is no time/space to facilitate it. For this my advice is: eliminate distractions (telephone, television, social networks). Create an environment where everyone listens, where everyone talks and maintains eye contact…good relationships are being built.

To do this, we adults are the ones who have to set an example, leaving our cell phones in the “parking lot” because after a certain time in this house we only talk to each other. Don’t be fooled by the cliché: “I use the phone for work”! Well, that’s precisely why I have a work schedule that I have already fulfilled and now I dedicate myself to my most important task!

3. We focus on the SENDER

Let’s start from the idea that we all have a previous history, with some emotions and experiences that may have built a communicative style. However, I start from a basic principle, which is not to look for culprits and if there are any, I eliminate them. In my family of origin there may have been a lack of communication, or it may have been aggressive, or there was a kind of “pact of silence” in which only certain topics were discussed… all this may have been your past, but in the present I am the only one responsible for the way I react! I will take full responsibility, because this is the only way to change.

Good communication requires patience and perseverance (this requires a lot of strength). Depending on the age of our children, we have to be aware that we are entering their intimacy and we have to do it carefully. We are going to discover their fears, their experiences, their desires, their opinions and their doubts… but to help, to accompany. Not to take away their protagonism, nor to solve their life.

Beware of falling into the trap of “you don’t need to tell me anything because I know everything about the other person”. How often we are confused by reactions, behaviors or decisions of people we thought we knew perfectly well! Humans are not fortune tellers, nor can we read each other’s thoughts, nor can they see ours. Therefore, for any relationship to work, you have to talk, you have to explain yourself and you have to ask questions.

Therefore, conversation should be an act of cooperation. And it needs a certain climate, which will be different for each age group: with the little ones I take advantage while I comb their hair, or I ask them to come with me to wash the car, or to go shopping… and I, as an adult, start telling them things that have happened to me, because we are not from the CIA and when we get home we should not start interrogating them.

We have to spend time thinking about each one of mine to learn to ask deep, important questions. That can open up horizons. We are looking to build bridges, not pull them down.

The simile has always been used that education is a building process, and I add: respecting the different materials.

We have to dedicate some of our time thinking about stimulating conversation topics, through open and specific questions…taking age into account.

To improve communication and mental health, it can help us to reflect on:

If the conversation is pleasant or has affective resonance, the person who listens does the mirror phenomenon, that is, adapts, synchronizes with the other (and vice versa as well). Therefore, to maintain a cordial, educational and influential relationship, we must take care of the dialogue. How many marriages break up because “we no longer talk and each one builds a parallel reality!…” With the little ones it can happen that we only give orders and commands and if you are careless, they are joined by adjectives such as: “fast, run, shut up” that block the receiver even more.

To educate we must have hierarchical conversations, because we are not their colleagues, but we must always respect when it is our turn to speak and when it is not, because “we respect the steps of the dance”. There are people who do not master these implicit patterns. With children this is much more important because their dependence is greater than ours and so is their weakness. They need safe, clear answers. I don’t put myself on their level because we are not friends, but I don’t treat them like adults either. Authority yes, authoritarianism no. To say things clearly, yes, but not to unburden myself with my children about my work problems, either. Be careful with projecting my personal problems with my children: for sure it will happen to them…!

There are therapeutic conversations, they are those in which you feel listened to attentively, they make you think and thus heal… why don’t we propose this at a family level? From this perspective I can stop a child who picks on another who is weaker, with my communications I can transmit security to that other who doubts everything, I can laugh at a silly thing or make a drama ….

Communication is based on the principle of cooperation, for that there must be sincerity (if you do not tell the truth, you do a lot of damage) and it is also based on the principle of relationship: “incorporate yourself by talking about the subject that is being talked about”. In fact, there is a certain social punishment for those who do not comply with this. And this must be taught to children.

4. What to do when we are all together:

Listening is not being immobile, nor silent, it is having the ability to support, reinforce… do not judge when you listen, do not look for solutions, do not interrupt, do not reject the emotions that arise… ….

In interruptions, within a conversation, it is very important to analyze how I feel, in case I have to redirect that first reaction (I am getting angry).

Teach children to listen. The rules of conversation are learned: that they respect their turn, that they know how to save their topics for the right moment… many children do not know how to converse because we have lacked the time to teach them. What model am I being for them? My presence and full attention are the best gifts we can give them. Giving the gift of conversation is a guarantee of success, happiness and balanced maturity.

Good communication generates that space of security that the family should be. Wolfgang von Goethe, “Treat people as if they were what they should be and you will help them to become what they are capable of being”.

Inmaculada Lluch Baixauli